


feel special

by wherearemyshous



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Han Jisung | Han is a Sweetheart, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Seungmin is Whipped, Kim Seungmin-centric, M/M, Seungsung, a love letter????, breakdowns, jisung is a sunshine, jisung is always there, jisung pov not mentioned, seungmin is sad, seungmin pov, slight angst, soft, the seungsung tag is so dry i was sad, what do i tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24084985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wherearemyshous/pseuds/wherearemyshous
Summary: thank you for entering my life like a surprise present i never knew i needed. thank you for always being there for me, thank you for always being like home. and thank you, for making me feel special.-in which seungmin is hopelessly in love with his boyfriend jisung and writes a letter to him, recalling their story and how they began.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Kim Seungmin, Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	feel special

**Author's Note:**

> ok UH i wrote this at like 4am so sorry for any discrepancies ahhh  
> basically this is seungmin's pov and he's writing to jisung, in case it's unclear  
> the seungsung tag is really dry so i just  
> sorry happy reading!!

do you ever feel like you're worthless and you have no purpose in life? do you ever feel like nobody really cares about you and never will? do you ever feel like even the skies have turned against you and nothing's going your way? these thoughts often crossed my mind, until you came into my life. you were the one who pulled me out of the waters and gave me the strength to breathe again. you were the one who was always there by my side, making me feel like i was wanted. you were the one who was there during the brightest days and the gloomiest nights. you were the one who made me feel special.

i still remember the first time i saw you. it must have been in 10th grade. we were to be seated together for the semester, deskmates appointed by the home room teacher. i was reading a book when you came into the classroom, heading towards the table i was at.  
donning a yellow hoodie and checkered vans. you pointed towards the book in my hands and exclaimed with a smile on your face, "the fault in our stars! i love that book!" i looked up, awkwardly, a little startled by your bright voice. i nodded curtly, tips of my mouth curving upwards a little, unsure of how to react. i didn't have much interaction with people at that time. not giving up, you kept your smile on, hanging your jansport bag on the chair beside me, before plopping down on the seat. you peered at me through those big round eyes and said, "hello! you're seungmin right? i'm jisung, your new seat mate, i hope we can be good friends!" you reached out your hand for me to shake, and my biggest regret that day was not reaching out to shake yours. i merely nodded, before returning to my book. even without looking, i could feel how your smile dropped even the slightest bit, your eyes starting to droop a little with sadness.

i don't know what made you want to keep on trying— i was just a nobody, an outcast, a pushover. but yet, you kept on starting conversations with me, being friendly and nice all the time. i remember that time, maybe a week or two after we had started being seat mates. the recess bell had rung and everyone had left the classroom, excluding the two of us. you pushed down the book i was burying my face in, eyes burning with curiosity. "why do you never go out for recess? do you not have anyone to go with?" you had asked. i looked down, a little embarrassed, and replied,"i… don't really have any friends." hearing my answer, you stood up immediately, fumbling with your hands. "oh! i'm so sorry, that was kind of insensitive wasn't it? i really didn't mean anything by it, i was really just curious and i-" you were rambling, i felt bad. "hey, it's fine. i'm used to it, don't worry." i gave you a small smile, trying to reassure you. you returned it. but that wasn't all. you then grabbed my wrist, bouncing with excitement. "how about you come with me for recess today, and i'll introduce you to my friends!" without waiting for my response, you dragged me towards the cafeteria. maybe an advanced warning would've been good. 

when we got to the table your friends were at, i started to feel a little anxious. maybe because i wasn't expecting to be met with 5 pairs of eyes all staring at me, as if evaluating and scanning me thoroughly. maybe it was because it felt strange being the centre of attention. and maybe it was because of that, that i felt the sudden overwhelming panic surging over me, my airways starting to close up, my heart starting to palpitate intensely. not knowing how much longer i could last, i rushed to the nearest toilet i could find. i ran into an empty cubicle, bent double over the toilet bowl. my hands were on my knees, getting clammier by the second, beads of sweat rolling down my face. or maybe they were tears. i took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. i didn't realise, but you had followed me to the toilet, witnessing everything. you knocked lightly on the cubicle i was in, concerned. you asked softly, "hey, you okay?" i don't know what was wrong with me at that moment, deciding to vent my anger and anxiety on you. with shaky breaths, i replied harshly, "what do you think? please just fuck off and go back to your friends." the moment those words left my mouth, i regretted it all. but i knew that i couldn't undo any of my actions, hearing your footsteps as you left the toilet. i choked out a series of sobs, slapping myself across the face before retching my guts out. i slid down the wall of the cubicle, my heart ached. i so wanted to go out there, and beg you not to leave, to help me. but of course, i was a loner, a coward, a meaningless pushover. and you were the one person who cared. i hated myself, for pushing you away. i never wanted to, and i could only blame myself.

the next few days, the next few weeks passed in a monotone blur. maybe it was because you stopped poking me during lessons to get my attention, maybe it was because you stopped waving me goodbye with that bright smile of yours at the end of every school day. maybe because of that, i felt the need to get things back to normal and apologise to you. i didn't know how to do it, so i ended up awkwardly turning to you as you were packing your back and getting ready to go home. "jisung.. i'm sorry for that day. i really didn't mean it i'm sorry! i'm sorry. really really really so-" i was rambling, not sure how to express myself. you turned around and cut me off, signature smile on point. "seungmin! don't apologise, it's kinda my fault, you shouldn't be blaming yourself." i shook my head profusely, replying, "no! it was me, i shouldn't have spoken so harshly to you, i was at fault." you took me by the shoulders, shaking your head even harder, and soon it became the blame game, except we were blaming ourselves over this now seemingly silly incident. this blame game eventually turned into laughter, the both of us bent over, struggling to catch our breath. it felt good, i hadn't felt so happy in a long time. and i realised that i would do anything to be able to feel like that forever. so i mustered up the courage and looked at you, asking, "can we be friends?" you smiled even more brightly before replying, "when were we not?" your words made me smile too.

from then on, we slowly became inseparable. wherever you were, i was with you, and wherever i was, you would be there too. we had countless happy memories, one of which i recall the most vividly. 

it was a normal school day during winter, boring lessons, not so decent cafeteria food, and you. we were leaving the school gates, both of us on our phones, enjoying the peaceful silence. as we walked along the streets, we came across an ice cream vendor. it was freezing that day. but of course, ice cream comes before anything am i right? we queued up in line before giving him our orders, one chocolate chip and one vanilla. you ordered the vanilla, but ended up stealing almost half of mine anyways. usually, i would have thrown a fit and thrown you across to the other side of the world, but seeing you so happy, just innocently enjoying the sweet taste of the dessert made my heart warm, even in the harsh winter. as we ate, we laughed, we talked, we shivered together. we sat on a random grass patch in a park near the vendor, admiring the scenery, the sky, the taste of sugar on our tongues. for that short while, we were completely free from our burdens, just enjoying life and living in the moment. the both of us ended up getting a little sick after that day, as a result of the cold, but it was those little joys and moments like that which made me the happiest. especially since they were with you.

and there were also those times when we would just do all sorts of ridiculous and childish things together, just living in the moment. 

after school one day, you literally dragged me by the arm, excitedly saying that you had something to show me. we walked for about a kilometre or so, before reaching a playground. a playground full of kids, specifically. i didn't quite understand why you had brought me there, but before i could turn around and ask you anything, you were off! the next thing i knew, you were on top of the slide, fighting with some young children to go down. i laughed at your childish actions, though deep inside i was cooing at how adorable you looked, playing with those kids. you interrupted my thoughts, shouting across the playground. "seungmin! come and catch me!" my legs responded before i could think, and soon we were chasing each other around. we shouted and laughed, just like the little kids playing there. honestly, it must have been a strange sight. two overgrown teenagers playing, running around in a playground full of kids probably less than half our age. it reminded me of the times when we were more carefree and young, not needing to worry about our future, just living in the present, just caring about having fun. and in moments like these, simply just goofing off and doing strange things, i felt so free. and i decided that it was because of you, that i could be myself. my true self.

but of course, there were also times where we were down, mood dull.

i still remember that day when we received our results for the preliminary examinations. i had performed below standards, as expected. the entire day, i dreaded going home to face my parents, even staying in the school library just to drag time. but eventually, i had to face the harsh reality. the moment i set foot in the house, my father stormed in front of me, cane in hand as he demanded for my examination paper. i had no choice but to oblige, hands shaking as i pulled it out from my bag. a look at the scores, and his eyes were fuelled with rage. he slammed the paper down on the marble tabletop, growling as he shouted, "when will you start being something other than a disappointment? look at your brother. studying for a double bachelor in harvard. your older sister? working as a successful prosecutor of a world renowned law firm. and you? nothing but a fucking disgrace to our family." i flinched numerous times, anticipating the sting of the cane against my skin. they came eventually, marking my body as hot tears started to flow down my face. "can't even score well for a simple preliminary examination? don't you dare call yourself my son. get out!" my father harshly pushed me out, throwing my bag after me. my vision was blurred by tears as i walked towards the park nearby. i pulled out my phone, hovering over your contact. i didn't want to bother you with my own problems, but i wanted you there with me. it was selfish, i know. i ended up dialling your number, voice shaking as i opened my mouth to speak, barely a whisper. "h-hey.. if you're free, could you come to the park? i.. could use some company.." before i knew it, you were there beside me. i was rocking myself forward and back, face buried in between my knees, not wanting anyone to see me. my hands covered my tear streaked face, uniform i still donned getting damper by the second. then you were there. you collected me into your arms, hand finding your away around my back, rubbing small circles to comfort me. your other hand found its way to my hair, carding it softly. you didn't ask me for any explanation, just softly reassuring me as you cradled me in your arms, giving me a sense of security. "you're okay, you're okay." you repeated countless times beside my ear, and for once i really felt like i was, with you by my side. you felt like home, a home scented like daisy fields and mint leaves, a home with a sweet honey like voice, a home with a comforting aura that just made me feel like i belonged. and in that moment, i realised how much i longed to stay in your arms, protected from the world outside, home.

there were also times when i felt like the world was closing in on me, like nothing was going my way, but you were there.

that time, was probably just before exam season. cram school had just ended, and we were both left in the classroom alone. you told me you would be going to the toilet, i nodded with a slight smile. after you left, i dropped my facade. that day, i was stressed, more than anything else. but of course, everyone must have been feeling that way, considering it was exam season. i hated how i felt, feeling like i was overreacting. all the pent up frustration, stress, the expectations that had been set onto me like burdens, the fear of being a disappointment, were all becoming overwhelming thoughts that corrupted and took control of my mind. i felt like the titanic, gradually sinking after crashing into an iceberg which were my emotions and thoughts. i started choking up, struggling to suppress the oncoming sobs which were close to escaping my throat. i hated feeling so weak, being so sensitive, crying whenever i felt sad. and maybe that made me cry a little harder. as i was struggling to catch my breath, my airways closing in on me, you came rushing in. you held me by my shoulders, urging me to focus on you. "breathe, min. breathe, you're okay." sobs erupted, shaking my entire body once, twice, and suddenly your arms were around me, wrapping me in your embrace. you stroked my hand, whispering comforting words in my ear. i was shuddering, leaning into your touch. knowing that you were there, made me feel like i was okay deep inside, even if i felt like a mess. during those moments, i realised how grateful i was to have you in my life. and i wanted to have you in my life forever.

it was during these moments, the ups and downs, the smiles and tears, that i realised that i was hopelessly falling in love with you. i was in love with your gummy smile which could light up the entire room whenever you were doing something you liked. i was in love with the way that you stored food in your cheeks like a squirrel whenever you ate. i was in love with the way your eyes sparkled like you had the stars in your eyes whenever you watched something that piqued your interest. i was in love with how we fit together like puzzle pieces whenever we hugged. i realised that i was in love with you. and i still am.

the days that followed my realisation, i started to distance myself from you. i was afraid of rejection, considering that i wasn't even sure of your sexuality. above all, i was afraid that i would ruin our friendship which i treasured so much. but of course, your attentive self noticed that something was amiss. as we were walking out of school one day, you took a step in front of me, questioning, "what's wrong?" i shook my head, avoiding your gaze. you tilted my head up, making me look you in the eye. "tell me, please?" i sighed. i knew that there would be no way of getting past you. i looked back down on the floor, hands fiddling with the hems of my shirt. i was scared. i was scared that you would simply turn around and leave me after hearing what i had to say. i was scared that you wouldn't even want to be friends with me anymore after i confessed. but i was also scared that if i didn't confess then and there, i would probably never have the chance to do it again. i stuttered, beyond nervous. "i… i like you jisung." you gaped at me then, as if you'd seen a ghost. honestly, that was the reaction i was expecting, but at the same time something about it made my heart drop. i rambled on, embarrassed. "but i mean if you don't that's completely fine i totally get it i don't even know if you're gay or if you're straight i'm sorry maybe you're not even into guys much less me why did i just say that that was such a bad idea jisung even if you don't like me please i hope our friendship isn't affected pl-" before i could continue on with my incoherent rambles, you kissed me. 

it was my turn to stand in shock. you smiled and said, "seungmin, i like you too. a lot." not knowing how to reply, i took your face in my trembling hands and pulled you closer, connecting our lips. the moment our lips touched, i felt the fireworks go off, a sweet warmth circulating through my entire body. to say that it was amazing would be an understatement. the way your lips fit on mine, made me feel like you were my missing puzzle piece. we must have stayed like that for a while because by the time we pulled apart, your lips were swollen, our faces both flushed red. we looked around, anywhere except at each other. you spoke first. "so… boyfriends?" i smiled at the word. it felt nice. nodding, i interlocked my hand with yours, feeling the spark in my body go off until it was like a full blown explosion. it was in that moment that i decided that i would do anything to keep your lips on mine, your hands in mine, your heart with mine.

jisung, every single day we spend together, i fall in love with you a little more. the way you start to pout whenever you're focused on something, the way you look at me with shining eyes to get my attention, the way your hands fit in mine. 

we've been through so much together, from five years ago till now. we've been through the ups and downs, the happiest moments and the saddest. we've seen each other at our worsts and our bests, and i just want to say thank you. thank you for entering my life like a surprise present i never knew i needed. thank you for always being there for me, thank you for always being like home. and thank you, for making me feel special.

love,  
kim seungmin

**Author's Note:**

> YAY thank you so much for reading!!  
> hope you enjoyed it :DD  
> stay happy n healthy ily <3


End file.
